My Love in Blue

	As long as we are in this life, we both are and are not. We are constantly changing, and yet the person who changes is always the same person. Even his changes express his personality, and develop it, and confirm him for what he is. A man is a free being who is always changing into himself. This changing is never merely indifferent. We are always getting either better or worse. Our development is measured by our acts of free choice, and according to our desires. //Thomas Merton

As long as we are in this life, we both are and are not. We are constantly changing, and yet the person who changes is always the same person. Even his changes express his personality, and develop it, and confirm him for what he is. A man is a free being who is always changing into himself. This changing is never merely indifferent. We are always getting either better or worse. Our development is measured by our acts of free choice, and according to our desires. //Thomas Merton

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Posted by: Lilyofdavalley84 Original: 7/8/2009 4:11 AM Views: 14 Comments: 4 eProps: 8 Read Comments Post a Comment Back to Your Xanga Site

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I'm just always on the cusp of crying...I got the urge to look at Ted's facebook profile...and I see that he's still with Alissa. It wouldn't have worked with me and him anyway....seeing the way life ended up. I guess they were really meant to be.

I get this pang of pain and sadness. It isn't even about feelings bc I don't think i have feelings for him (it's been 2 years) it's just to see his gfs smiling face and to look at Jimmy's facebook and to see him and his gf's smiling face. Tho I know he doesn't care about her too much anymore.

It's when is it going to be my smiling face? When can I be that girl...happy with my guy?

And I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone.

I'm crying as usual. Ahhhhhh...

When am I going to be that girl?

With a smiling face; when will I belong to someone else?

Where is the right guy for me?

Cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone.

This level of loneliness ....it hurts you....it kills you....alone at night.

And I feel that loneliness around me...like a hard shell.

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Again, I know i come off as 'needy' and 'pathetic' but that's really not who i am. if you knew me in real life you'd know i was one of the most independent people you'll ever meet. it's just at night....alone...sometimes....i just really feel my loneliness...i can't be strong all the time. when my family has been separated, my friends are working while i'm off this summer, my roommate is always with her boyfriend...i have no boyfriend and the guy i'm suppose to be with right now and getting to know is in freaking India.

Posted 7/8/2009 4:11 AM - 14 Views - 8 eProps - 4 comments

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4 Comments

This begs the question: if it sucks to be alone, for you to spend time with yourself, how can you expect anyone else to ?? Love yourself; love being with yourself. When others see how you are alone, they'll want to be with you more! Trust me on this, that's all I can say.

Posted 7/8/2009 5:41 AM by Eroticus_Maximus

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i suppose i feel it's a curse because i've only love one person... and we've done nothing but hurt each other. you know how you make mistakes in relationships, but you date different people? i think i've made all my mistakes with the same person... and he's made all his with me. i'll never doubt we love each other, but now that we've both grown up, there's no trust left.

i'm 25.

Posted 7/8/2009 5:21 PM by Dreams_of_a_Cowgirl - reply