Currently Philadelphia By Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Roberta Maxwell, Buzz Kilman, Karen Finley see related

STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER

I long for an intellectual conversation with someone. You know how dogs need to walk every day for their mental and psychological health....I need for my own sanity to talk ....to have a real intelligent conversation with someone. 

I'm such a dork sometimes i go on youtube and look up certain videos/documentaries about things in life and i'll start debating/arguing with certain people...and we'll go back and forth.  Sometimes these people are smarter than me, sometimes these people are "smarter" than me...and I still enjoy that because it's a challenge, and I'm experiencing so much growth because of that exchange.

Sometimes I feel happy, but it seems like when I do...something depressing or heavy happens to bring me back to reality. I try to have fun with my friends but then my mom will call telling me she's going to have start living in a shelter soon...and other stresses from my family. I just got a phone call about some other news...I'm scared because my aunt didn't sound good on the phone and I just don't want it to be one more depressing thing or news someone is hurt or dead or something bad.

I'm frightened. It's things like these that make me not enjoy life.

I think when you meet your soulmate you'll know it.

Some ppl believe soulmates are 'bullshit'...but some ppl probably would think love or souls are bullshit too...just bc something is immaterial doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I think it all depends on your idea.

It doesn't matter if you guys get separated...like two magnets that start off at far off distances slowly through life you get pulled together...no matter what you do...soulmates end up falling into each other's laps.

i believe in and i yearn for it ...they say when ure really yearnng thats a sign its coming soon.

How to Save a Life

He said that I was beautiful...and that I deserve a guy who...(blah blah blah).  I told him I don't care about all that stuff...doesn't really matter to me.  I think he is that guy I "deserve" or he could become that "guy that I deserve." He said that "it is unbelievable that you are still single."

I was walking a few days ago around my neighborhood....there's a house with some nice flowers growing in the front. Someone had obviously picked a flower but just tossed it on the concrete walkway. I picked it up, placed it in my book as a bookmark and went home. At home I put it in a cup of water..it was a closed bud. Yesterday I noticed the bud changing from green to orange...Today in the morning as I woke up...the flower was opening up too. The sun was shining bright and the flower was coming alive with the sunlight. I was so amazed...to see the consciousness and energy and being in that flower...that we humans can't perceive. Now it's late and the flower has closed up because of the darkness. It's sleeping as I write.

Why I tell this story is bc I got such a good feeling, knowing that this is a flower that would have just been stomped on or died very quickly...was dying. Now it's on my windowsill thriving...it won't have a long life as if  it were planted in the ground...but at least it got a bit more of life...of sunshine....

I feel like I saved a life. I saved a life for a little while. I just feel bad seeing it's pollen...and knowing it's dying to reproduce and multiply itself.

Wow I just realized...it's funny.......my favorite kind of flowers....lilies....It is an orange pixie lily. And I guess I'm "Lily" also...haha....weird.

My Love in Blue

I'm just always on the cusp of crying...I got the urge to look at Ted's facebook profile...and I see that he's still with Alissa. It wouldn't have worked with me and him anyway....seeing the way life ended up. I guess they were really meant to be.

I get this pang of pain and sadness. It isn't even about feelings bc I don't think i have feelings for him (it's been 2 years)  it's just to see his gfs smiling face and to look at Jimmy's facebook and to see him and his gf's smiling face. Tho I know he doesn't care about her too much anymore.

It's when is it going to be my smiling face?  When can I be that girl...happy with my guy?

And I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone.

I'm crying as usual. Ahhhhhh...

When am I going to be that girl?

With a smiling face; when will I belong to someone else?

Where is the right guy for me?

Cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone I don't want to be alone.

This level of loneliness ....it hurts you....it kills you....alone at night.

And I feel that loneliness around me...like a hard shell.

EDIT***************************************************************************

Again, I know i come off as 'needy' and 'pathetic' but that's really not who i am. if you knew me in real life you'd know i was one of the most independent people you'll ever meet. it's just at night....alone...sometimes....i just really feel my loneliness...i can't be strong all the time. when my family has been separated, my friends are working while i'm off this summer, my roommate is always with her boyfriend...i have no boyfriend and the guy i'm suppose to be with right now and getting to know is in freaking India.

Cheater Cheater

Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/   -> 

REading shit like this really bothers me! Gross.

errrrrrr it bothers me so much when i go online and there's this huge article 'what men think before they cheat.' apparently they think of

'nothing' or

they think of the adreneline rush...

or for revenge on a cheating gf

 i just get so pissed off when cheating bc a part of accepted/expected culture. it's like my friend angel said it seems american morals is just disappearing...cheating just seems so common....i want to believe in guys and that most guys i've been involved with have been good guys but then i see this and it changes my perspective on men. then i see men as assholes that can't be trusted but then women can't be trusted nowadays either. i know so many guys that have been burned/hurt by their cheating women and it really surprises me how women have seemed to change nowadays also.

i think about how jimmy just always finds it so easy to cheat on his gfs like it's not a big deal...it really worries me.

it's like no one is safe.

  I made townie get up and dance

 japanese restaurant

way back to the airport

at bellagio

bellagio famous fountain show-to your song by elton john

paris-las vegas