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| I'm really sorry about the last email I sent you. I actually had no intention of sending it...it was just something I wrote up privately but then I decided to send it for some strange reason. After I sent it I thought it was unfair to you, myself, and disrespectful to your girlfriend. I also didn't really expect a reply back from you. So I was shocked to see that you wrote back. Thank you for the reply. I don't expect anything of you or from you....
Everything you said is valid and true. My brain truly understands the 101 reasons why you and I wouldn't work out.. I kept telling myself that every day down there in Cancun...yatta... yatta....But at the same time you were so fascinating to me, that's why I kept bothering you....and I couldn't help being attracted to you and wanting to know more about you.
Now I am stuck with residual feelings.
I know to you I'm just another girl, I could tell that since Temptations resort....When I said it wasn't a vacation fling to me, I meant that I liked you in the same way I would like any guy I would meet in New York. That's interesting you have your Welsh, British, and Irish girls....For me, I've only had feelings for two guys in my life. One a couple years ago...and you....and believe me it's really taken me by surprise...
To a degree I am caught up in a fantasy...dream...illusion.....but at the same time everything I said was true....I'm not gonna lie....I go out and I think of you....little things will remind me of you...and I wonder if you're ok...and I do go out and hear a song and wish you could be there with me and I could watch you do your crazy dance.
I have so much paperwork to do tonight...some I'm late with...I'm gonna get in so much trouble at work. I'm dreading the trouble I'll be in. Pray for me!
Thank you again for your email.
At this point, I think we have nothing else to say to each other...though I love hearing the updates on your life! So as much it hurts me to say this...I think we should stop communication for a very long time. I'm sure you have nothing more to say to me.
Good luck with everything.
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| These past few months have been difficult for me....I've been trying to process having feelings for a guy who lives so far away and what that means...
I was at a bar tonight and the bartender insulted me and usually I would start a fight with him, but then I thought "What would Ryan do, he was always so calm....always the bigger person..." So I just let it go... You see.....you changed me...you really changed me.
We had so much fun together. I still remember and think about it often. I had so much fun with you. I remember us dancing....and talking every day in the sun by the pool. It was the best time of my life, and there I was with the guy of my dreams. God gave me that for a brief time in my life....I'm so grateful for that.
I have so many feelings for you and I understand you want to move forward with your life. I'm still just trying to process the feelings and the confusion. I wish we could be together. I wish we could be together, more than anything. My heart and my mind are full of memories of us....it's not just a "vacation fling" for me....it's something very real..it's a human connection. =)
You remind me of me.....in the little things I noticed in Cancun and through the emails. It's funny. I think we have so much in common. I think "That's something I would do or say!"
I want you to know that if you ever decide to take the trip across "the pond"; do it. I hope you will come visit me one day soon, without fear or hesitation or worrying about what others will say.
-Danielle
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| It is the worst and all I want to do is scream and beat things up. You love someone, but they don't love you back...I don't know what to do. I'm just going through the motions of life now...just getting through things to get through them...just doing what I got to do...trying to get back into the routine....crying my eyes out alone. It's the worst. I'm confused about everything.
Yeah, I go out on dates...but those guys they aren't him....and he just seemed so "perfect" and had all the qualities I was looking for. He was just what I've always wanted and dreamed about. It's just been difficult....to lose....because of circumstances. He lives in another country.
I just wish he would love me back and take a chance on me. The silence it's a killer and it's hurting me so much. I guess I'm not use to rejection. I just want him to talk to me...email me back. I hate it. I hate being ignored in this way. It's cruel. It's mean. It's disheartening. It's devastating to not get your love story.
Why is he doing this to me?
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| I have so much anger inside of me right now. I throw things...throw glass around the room....I fall to my bath tub floor crying....in tears....I scream...yell....I kicked the bathroom door tonight.....damaged the door...
I am so angry.....I'm angry that he won't love me back in return....I'm angry that every time I love....they run....they pick someone else...they don't pick me.....
I'm so mad at him. I'm mad at the circumstances. I miss him so much.
I'm angry that other people get their love story, no matter what. That's BULLSHIT. I'm so mad and so sick of this shit.
I'm angry that my dad says that he has "one daughter" and ignores that he has me and my brother.
I'm tired of being left for nothing.
I'm mad at him for not trying.
I think I need help.
I pick the wrong guys to fall in love with, that's for sure.
I miss him so much. It's killing me.
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| You ever have the most depressing feeling....happiness is something unattainable and when you come close to it it's only brief and fleeting....it's like you're in a dark hole and can't get out no matter what you do....and the sight of "happy" people completely turns you off and disgusts you. The pain in your heart is so great, you don't know what to do with it...you don't know what to do with yourself.
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